The memories come in waves. No, not just the memories, but the feelings attached to them. That’s always been how it works with me. I’ll think that I’ve forgotten. I’ll think that it’s over, that I’m over it, that it’s done. But then the waves come crashing to shore, triggered by a shift in the tectonic plates beneath the ocean floor that is my psyche.
And that’s when I realise that I’m not over it at all.
The waves had simply receded for a while.
Why do we fall in love? Why do we fall even though we know for a fact we’re going to crash and burn? That this person we’re about to give our already-fragile and damaged hearts to is just going to shatter it? Why do we fall knowing that the only one who’s going to pick us up off the ground, and painstakingly glue us back together again, is ourselves? Why do we fall in love? Even though we know they’ll never love us as much as him, or her, or them… Anyone who isn’t us. Why do we do this? Why do we fall and wait to break?
My mind is static;
thoughts senseless and erratic, nothing of worth
Mere white noise
pen poised over paper but there is no flow
just a giant question mark representing all that I don’t know
Starting with, Where do I go from here?
Things seem clear
but I look closer and the edges are blurred
like words slurred from the mouth of a man
seeking solace in a bottle that only brings more pain;
he’s just too drunk to see it
Am I the drunk or the bottle?
I’m not sure yet
just another question
with an answer I may never get
I know I know nothing but I’m neither wise nor in bliss
Was there ever a time when life was easier than this?
Trying to hold on to reality but I’m losing my grip
seems the harder I grab hold the faster I slip
this altitude still high enough to make me feel sick
My hands raw and bloody from hanging off of this cliff
Muscles all shaking, bones frozen stiff
lips already half-parted to welcome Death’s Kiss
There is no contest
between the liars and the honest
that this life is a test
It’s both peace and combat
For anything to exist in this universe
it must rely on contrast
Life has always been a paradox
Pandora’s Box just gave names
to what was already in our hearts
And life would be much easier
if we knew this from the start
And maybe we wouldn’t have to feel
like we need to play a part…
Because tell me, how am I supposed to feel,
in a world so illusion-filled it’s like nothing’s real?
Where everyone wears masks
and all the mirrors are cracked
and people think they can tell you
how you’re “supposed” to act
Where as soon as you turn around
someone’s stabbing your back
and then you get judged for how you react
‘Most everyone’s a liar, to survive or to peddle
their own agendas; always trying to meddle
You think you’re better than them
I think I’m better than you
Fact is we’re all full of shit
And that’s the only real truth.
[Different character from the one depicted here.]
“You again? Why are you here? Go away.”
“Come now, you know you can’t live without me.”
“Living with you ain’t no picnic either.”
You chuckle and come closer, wrapping your arms around me and squeezing uncomfortably tight. If it weren’t for your grip I’d be shaking. I can feel your hot breath on my ear, “Ahh, but you need me, and you… know it…”
I scream as your nails dig into my back, and you laugh before releasing me, taking a step back as I crumple to the ground. “Please… Just leave… Not now… Let me deal with you later.”
“NO!” You’re even more angry now. To be honest, I can’t blame you. “You’re always feeding your crap to me, saying ‘Later, later’ and then you ignore me and it builds and builds and you know what!? No more ‘later’! You will deal with me NOW! I. Want. OUT.”
You lunge for the door behind me, but there’s no way I’m letting you escape. You’ll ruin everything. It’s not your time. Who knows, it may never be your time. But right now, it definitely isn’t. I have to stop you. I’m on my feet in a flash and charge at you, sending us both crashing to the floor.
The advantage of surprise doesn’t last long and you soon throw me off and get back up. I stand to face you, whistling for the rest to come help. In a real life situation this would be more than unfair, but in this case, it’s you. All of us combined are barely enough to stop you, and I’m always terrified that one day, you will defeat us.
You smile cruelly.
And the fight begins.
It takes days to subdue you completely, and by the end of it I am utterly exhausted, but relieved.
However, I know this isn’t the end of it. Not by a long shot.
You will rage again.
…I will rage again.