I, am a person of words
Just another feeble voice that begs to be heard
My fascination beginning when I was a little girl
Couldn’t read yet
Simply sat studying markings with no meaning inferred
in my illiterate head
But the meaning was there. I knew it was.
Eventually, I taught myself to find it.
And I fell in love.
I fell in love with something I could manipulate.
Something I could control, and create with.
I fell in love with something that allowed me to strip my soul bare and speak in the dialect of emotion without restraint
I fell in love, for the first and last time, with something that would never leave me
(even if everything and everyone else did)
I used to think that words could save me.
In a way, they did. I wouldn’t be here otherwise.
They seemed to have such magic about them.
And when I picked up a pen and stroked it over paper I swear I felt like a sorceress.
A new world opened up, one better and bigger than reality. One I could hide in and be whatever I chose to without anyone telling me I couldn’t.
I was invincible. Unbreakable.
(But only in my imagination.)
Over the years, things changed. I grew up and responsibilities were laid upon shoulders that even now ache with the effort of holding them up.
They rendered me… immobile.
Incapable of moving forward. Incapable of turning back. Incapable of living.
Merely standing still, trying not to let everything fall and shatter.
Words became all I had to offer, and the more time went by the less worthwhile that offering was…
Until here I am, still fumbling for the right spell that will set us all free.
What do you say when those you love ache and you can’t take it away?
What do you say when you’re in agony and no one seems to know what it’s really like?
What do you say when you’ve been a liar so long you can’t remember the truth or how to speak it?
What do you say when your mind and your heart try to express themselves only to be silenced by misinterpretations and judgments that you can’t stop from happening?
What do you say to make people understand?
Because damn, I’ve tried it all.
Experimentation with vocabulary and syntax, punctuation marks at just the right spots and sometimes emoticons to soften blows.
Words in every and all kind of order, in every and all kind of language I know how to write in
(including but not limited to: Tough Love, Truth, Lies, Manipulations, Word Twists, Hope, Despair, Rage, Tenderness, Patience and Fuck-it-all Frustration.)
Yet I am always falling short.
Always missing the mark.
Words often misconstrued but usually it’s just me saying the wrong thing.
But when words are all you’ve got, you keep going anyway.
So I try again.
Hoping, violently hoping
that this time I will get it right
this time I will say exactly what I mean
This time it will MEAN something
This time it will be the truth
And it will resonate inside of you, inside of me, inside of us
Like the hum of a guitar string,
I wish I could do… more.
See more, live more,
love more, explore more..
It consumes me, sometimes
this desire, this lust, this desperate yearning
It howls through my soul
pounds along with my heartbeat
sends glorious fantasies running through my mind…
Then reality strikes.
A reminder of how “more” is still a long way away
That between then and now, there will be hardship
There will be pain, and doubt (both self and others’)
There will be despair and moments of near-surrender.
(I will not yield.)
I wish I could do more.
See more, live more,
love more, explore more.
And so I shall.
Do not pretend to know me.
Do not pretend you care to know me.
You only care that I fit into your idea of me
So you try to trick me
into revealing myself to you
so the things that don’t fit…
you can so “kindly” attempt to change
One way or another.
One manipulative trick after the next.
You think I don’t see it?
You think me that much of a fool?
I am wise to your games.
Nothing in me has changed.
I just show you what you want to see.
Waiting for the day I get to enjoy your shock
and watch your shattered ego
scatter across the ground
Waiting for the day I finally get to say,
“You thought you knew me.
Spoken Word: Slave to The Masses
Ignore the minor glitching. I have crappy technology. But, as promised, here it is. Shall post it before I change my mind… Be merciful, folks.
Make me bleed.
Inhale my life force and exhale it into air that I
Make me yours.
Make me theirs.
(Except, I already am)
I am everyone’s (but I am never mine)
There has never been a time, no time
no time ever
where I have just… been mine.
I plunged my fist into my chest and ripped out my heart
shoved it into the earth to melt over the core like syrup over pancakes
So now I am the soil the air the force of gravity that keeps you on the ground while my arms lift you up to the sky to reach for your dreams…
I am your slave.
All of yours.
My essence keeps you alive because I gave my heart to this world
for you all
But now I am weak and the little strength I have is waning like the moon except I do not think I will ever be full again
All this, so damn difficult so damn difficult and I am in the air that I cannot breathe,
choking as my life becomes your life as I smile to make you smile and empty my soul into the world so that all your lives are worthwhile but never mine because I am not worthy and that’s okay because I…
I chose this
I just never knew
it would be this hard
to make you love me
I am ugly.
I am so full of scars that all of me has become a bumbling mass of scar tissue
with cracks that open and bleed but soon I will be dry there isn’t much left and no matter how deep I search I will be empty this well will be empty
and there is no groundwater beneath you cannot dig your way into more
there will be nothing remaining of me
Tell me what to do.
I am your slave tell me what to do I don’t know what to do so you must tell me but I don’t want to
but I don’t know what to do except for what you tell me because I know nothing else
known anything else and I am drowning in the needs of everyone but me yet I do not know what I need have never known will never know
I know nothing
except the ache in my heart and the emptiness in my soul and the darkness of my mind that hardly ever fades away.
I know nothing except that I am staring at the last dregs at the bottom of the barrel that is me. I am dying.
And it’s all my fault.
So drain me
one last time.
Take it all.
Bury me in the soil when my body is hollow
(which it soon will be)
What is left of it can be used to nourish the earth.
For even in death
I will never be mine.
Actually, you know what?
Screw you all and your thankless dependence
I am waking and realising I am my own person
And I will build myself from the bottom up brick by hopeful brick
reclaim my spirit and purge you from my mind because I may be one of my own demons
but so are you
and it’s time for an exorcism to send you straight back to your own hells and leave me to my own
I will retrieve my heart even if I set myself aflame in the attempt
I will be a phoenix, shall rise from the ashes born again
And this time
I will be mine
This time, I will
I am hollowed out, now
by the veins of your words
I barely breathe
My strength has been torn away from me
to boost up your building ego
There is nothing left, except
(the memories of your words)
the beating of my heart,
all that’s left of me,
that aches like a bruise
(sending kisses of pain with every beat)
squeezed far too tight
(within the cracks of my bones)
with every pulse
(crying to the world)
I am almost broken.
too imperfect to ever be complete
But that which is empty, can be refilled
because the specs of the soul never die
Strength can be rebuilt, slow
one word at a time
Bruises heal, in the end
and scars left behind as medals
I still carry hope.
you can never strip me off of that
with every breath
with every beat
(in my bones)
So I will not let myself fade.
I was meant to shine
You will not make me fade.
carving myself into history
My words will haunt you
till you breathe